I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
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reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*
I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
But is it really??
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums