[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
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It’s a gift
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”