My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
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Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
you want me to sit in the back seat? the thing that killed JFK?
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.