let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
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The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
the last thing a carrot sees
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”