The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
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Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
Traveler’s camo
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*
Han Solo: Who are you?
Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*
Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.
Denise please return my vape pen
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.
Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”