Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
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If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU
🐕🍷
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
The best plant holders?
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge