*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity
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If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment
*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.