Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
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I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.
Him: I was gonna get lingerie.
Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.
Him:
Me: *jazz hands*
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
Seems legit
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church