me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
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Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go
Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
Its a hippotatomus
what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonkawhat scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka
Gods work.
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah