5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
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If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.