My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
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cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
Good morning to everyone except the parent in my 6yo’s class who paid out ten dollars as the tooth fairy.
When did the tooth fairy stop leaving four shiny quarters per tooth? In the same glass the tooth was in? I’m not busting into my kid’s college fund to hire an event coordinator and pay an imaginary glitter witch to be invisible for five minutes.
[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA