Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of liv_thatsme's best tweets

@liv_thatsme : trainer: i thought we could work on building up your calves today me: (looking at my baby cows) you guys are kind, smart, important, and i appreciate you

@liv_thatsme: I was gonna go to a New Year's Eve party, but the invite said "bring your significant other," & I don't feel like unhooking my TV.

@liv_thatsme: I don't wanna brag, but my therapist just told me I'm above her skill level.

@liv_thatsme: I call my nephew "dude" and "kid" because I'm a cool aunt. Also because I can't remember what his name is.

@liv_thatsme: FIRST DATE

Me *dressed from head to toe like Darth Vader*

Him: Haha, are you dressed like that to celebrate the opening weekend of the new Star Wars movie?

Me (in Darth Vader voice): NO.

@liv_thatsme: maybe the sock wants to be single you don't know

@liv_thatsme: “Any plans this weekend?”

Me: Just some baby seal clubbing.

“YOU’RE A MONSTER!”

Me: (later that night, having a warm cocoa with some conservationists at the Baby Seal Club) I don’t know why everyone at work hates me.

@liv_thatsme: Just locked eyes with a spider, but instead of killing him, I ran away & hid so he can spend the whole night stressing about where I am.

@liv_thatsme: HOW TO RUIN A GRADUATION DINNER:

Hi, I'm your server.

"Our son got a degree!"

Wow! I have a Master's. Wanna start w/ some chips & salsa?

@liv_thatsme: Me (to stock boy): Tell the manager there's a mess in Aisle 6

*Manager arrives*

Me: I really appreciate this, I've just been really lonel-