I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
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It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
Love it! 👍😂
me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
be careful
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?