Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of liv_thatsme's best tweets

@liv_thatsme : As a kid, I refused to sing "rain rain go away" because I thought God would punish us with an apocalyptic drought,so no, I'm not easy-going.

@liv_thatsme: If you can't say anything nice, do what I do: say something that seems nice but later, they're like, "hey, that wasn't nice." Buy some time.

@liv_thatsme: Pepsiā„¢: The Coke You Have To Settle For

@liv_thatsme: Sometimes I wish I were Dorothy, because I really like dogs and also because I want to crush someone with a house.

@liv_thatsme: me: i don't get why no one falls in love with me

person: wanna go on a date?

me: no

@liv_thatsme: "Got a dog."

Me:WHAT BREED? WHAT COLOR? WHAT'S HIS NAME? HOW BIG ARE HIS PAWS? IS HE A GOOD BOY? DOES HE SNUGGLE?

"Had a baby."

Me: cool.

@liv_thatsme: *babysitting*

Me (to my 4 year old nephew): I think I heard someone break in; will you go check?

@liv_thatsme: Hey, small cars: stop masquerading as empty parking spaces. You're enraging us all.

@liv_thatsme: Me *gets interrupted mid-sentence*

"Oh, hey sorry; finish your story."

Me *employing my usual level of maturity*: No I don't want to now.

@liv_thatsme: "Don't you wish you had children?"

Me: Don't you wish you had money, free time, & sanity?