@liv_thatsme: *Walking my newborn baby & dog through the park.*
Passerby: Oh my god, he’s so beautiful! How old is he?
Me: He’s almost 10.
Passerby: Your son is almost 10 months?
Me: No, my dog is. The kid’s like four weeks or something.
@liv_thatsme: *calling my sister while leaving the salon in tears*
Sister: What happened? Did they ruin your hair?
Me (between sobs): No, my hair looks great, but my stylist talked to me the ENTIRE TIME
@liv_thatsme: the only person who’s actually “living the dream” is the guy who watches the security camera at the grocery store & turns on the veggie spritzer the instant someone reaches for parsley
@liv_thatsme: I always scoop out the center of my bagels, because who needs 50 empty calories worth of bread when I can replace them with a 500 calorie moat of cream cheese?
@liv_thatsme: (overheard a bride getting her hair done at the salon tell the stylist): “I didn’t want any ugly or fat bridesmaids.”
Me (of course, unable to keep my mouth shut): “Good call. It’s not polite to compete with the bride.”
@liv_thatsme: Just took a 2 hour flight next to a nervous woman on her first flight who was white-knuckling it the whole time, & as a frequent flyer, the onus was on me to console her. So naturally, I put my hand gently on her arm and whispered: “we’re all gonna die.”
@liv_thatsme: My therapist told me to put away my phone and spend more time with my friends, but it’s like: hey, which is it?
@liv_thatsme: Me: 0.
Grandma (who’s making me sit at the kids table because I “still don’t have a husband“): 1.
@liv_thatsme: CAREER DAY
me: I’m telling you kid, there’s a job for everyone. What are you good at?
kid: My parents say I smell weird and I make them uncomfortable in their own house.
me: Have you considered cable installation?