@liv_thatsme: Me: 0.
Grandma (who’s making me sit at the kids table because I “still don’t have a husband“): 1.
@liv_thatsme: CAREER DAY
me: I’m telling you kid, there’s a job for everyone. What are you good at?
kid: My parents say I smell weird and I make them uncomfortable in their own house.
me: Have you considered cable installation?
@liv_thatsme: me *screaming*
THE BAT FLIES OUT
me “i wasn’t scared”
you “not at all”
@liv_thatsme: *calling my sister while babysitting her kid*
me: Is it true that putting butter on your head gets it unstuck from the banister?
sister: OH MY GOD, MY SON’S HEAD IS STUCK IN THE BANISTER?
me: Guess again.
@liv_thatsme: person: don’t worry. having sex is like riding a bike.
*remembering lying in several ditches on the side of the road throughout my life*
me: OH SHIT.
@liv_thatsme: Listen, if I have to spend $14 for a movie ticket, I expect you to pause the movie when I have to go to the bathroom.
@liv_thatsme: trainer: i thought we could work on building up your calves today
me: (looking at my baby cows) you guys are kind, smart, important, and i appreciate you
@liv_thatsme: I was gonna go to a New Year's Eve party, but the invite said "bring your significant other," & I don't feel like unhooking my TV.
@liv_thatsme: I don't wanna brag, but my therapist just told me I'm above her skill level.