Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of liv_thatsme's best tweets

@liv_thatsme : Me (calling parents): I’M ENGAGED! Dad: For the last time, that guy gives everyone free guacamole once in a while at Chipotle.

@liv_thatsme: *Walking my newborn baby & dog through the park.*

Passerby: Oh my god, he’s so beautiful! How old is he?

Me: He’s almost 10.

Passerby: Your son is almost 10 months?

Me: No, my dog is. The kid’s like four weeks or something.

@liv_thatsme: *calling my sister while leaving the salon in tears*

Sister: What happened? Did they ruin your hair?

Me (between sobs): No, my hair looks great, but my stylist talked to me the ENTIRE TIME

@liv_thatsme: the only person who’s actually “living the dream” is the guy who watches the security camera at the grocery store & turns on the veggie spritzer the instant someone reaches for parsley

@liv_thatsme: I always scoop out the center of my bagels, because who needs 50 empty calories worth of bread when I can replace them with a 500 calorie moat of cream cheese?

@liv_thatsme: (overheard a bride getting her hair done at the salon tell the stylist): “I didn’t want any ugly or fat bridesmaids.”

Me (of course, unable to keep my mouth shut): “Good call. It’s not polite to compete with the bride.”

@liv_thatsme: Just took a 2 hour flight next to a nervous woman on her first flight who was white-knuckling it the whole time, & as a frequent flyer, the onus was on me to console her. So naturally, I put my hand gently on her arm and whispered: “we’re all gonna die.”

@liv_thatsme: My therapist told me to put away my phone and spend more time with my friends, but it’s like: hey, which is it?

@liv_thatsme: Me: 0.
Grandma (who’s making me sit at the kids table because I “still don’t have a husband“): 1.

@liv_thatsme: CAREER DAY

me: I’m telling you kid, there’s a job for everyone. What are you good at?

kid: My parents say I smell weird and I make them uncomfortable in their own house.

me: Have you considered cable installation?