I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
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Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god
This woman is my idol. Free her.
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that