Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
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My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
Have kids, they said
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia