You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
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shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
incredible book dedication
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.