Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
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Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
m’lady
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.