My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
You Might Also Like
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
yea so i messed up lol
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer