Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
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a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo:
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS ‘WIFEY MATERIAL’!
WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was