Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
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and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
Comparing yourself to others
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.
[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard