This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
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The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
The beauty industry:
For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen
For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”