5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
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Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
Stop making fast and furious movies.
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
My husband said I use a lot of makeup, so I showed him some makeup tutorials on tiktok and I don’t think he’ll be making that mistake again.
[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.