Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
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If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
is there anything more psychotic than the self-imposed deadline. why am i bullying myself then in turn standing up to my bully (who is me) by not doing the work i know i want to get done but i refuse to be bullied (by me) so i will purposefully miss the deadline (that is fake)
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.
Make sure to like and retweet this before big toaster has this deleted.
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass
me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?
math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit
me:
math teacher:
me: i don’t- is that going to be enough
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.