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🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
2 years later
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention