wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
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I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.
Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.