Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
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I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
Went to a social event for my kid’s new school and they asked the parents to share what your friends like in 7th grade and I told them if I shared that you wouldn’t let your kid hang out with mine.
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
Villian: one false move and you’re history
Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
***TRAVEL NEWS***
A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.
See that girl.
Watch that scene.
Diggin’ the Danson cream.
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
this is funnier than any friends episode
My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…