Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
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Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
Can. I. Help. You.
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.