The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
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Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.