me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
You Might Also Like
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
Well, this certainly took a turn
Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married