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I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
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I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
My spirit animal is fried chicken
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.