it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
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[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
True?
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
Nice try Hitler
Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday