I never know how much to tip a cow.
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Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
You’ll be OK
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settleCongratulations on your child McKimberlynn.
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”