“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
You Might Also Like
Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
It’s an epidemic…
You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”
He’s 14.
always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.