I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
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Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.