Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
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Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
Alfijnbahkfnbsbbakrbbjdnebzk hzueonyvag macarena yrvixndvwhkga ndhwkdbcbe hayvektoubabrjnahor
HEYYYY MACARENA
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
Webb. James Webb.
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.