Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
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Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
*limbos under the caution tape
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*
brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH
me: *goes radio silent*
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.