Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
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No regrets in 2018
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably