[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
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Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside