cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
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I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin