Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
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If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
Yoga Matt
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-
Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right