[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
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Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.