for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
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My stupid belt shrunk again today.
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
Facebook marketplace is a different world
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
This trial is so absurd 😭
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.