The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
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Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”