I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
You Might Also Like
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh