I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
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I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps