My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
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When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
Happy Caturday!
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.
“Excited to be here!” I tell him.
The host eyes me. “Are you?”
My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.
“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.