At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
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It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!