Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
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Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
WHY?!
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
New Tinder profile.