[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
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[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
figuring out my emotional availability:
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.