-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.
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WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even