Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
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I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?