I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
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Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.
ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in